Trash or Treasure???

Let me tell you a secret that I've had for sometime:

I think it's pretty obvious to anybody who gets to know me...... I am looking for more....  More what you ask???  That's exactly the question that I have been asking. My life is simple. It's plain. There's not a whole lot to it. Please. Please don't get me wrong. I have a husband, three beautiful, healthy boys, and though we are not rich we are ok.( For that I am thankful) ... BUT.... There's this battle that's been going on inside me for sometime, years actually. I've made mistakes. I've hurt people, and I've never been able to get over it.

The one's I've hurt??? They say it's done. It's over lets move on. BUT FOR ME. I've been trapped in this horrible nightmare for years. I play over and over in my mind all the ways I've messed up. I've lived with so much regret, and disappointment in myself. Over the years, I've thought of when I was young. I had dreams of who I was going to be, and how my life was gonna turn out. AND... I have wasted so many years (14 to be exact). In regret. Not of my children (never my children) or my family, but of my  BAD choices. I've isolated myself from so many things, and so many people. Yes, at times even my family. It's like there's been this emptiness in me. Something that I just haven't been able to get over. This has caused the loss of so much joy in my life. That's not to say I don't smile or that I don't have days that are really fun. I just kinda went through life expecting that this was as good as it got. I lost the drive to really live. I didn't dream about the future anymore, or expect anything great to happen in my life. I just kinda accepted this as the way it is.

As I've been living this (kind of existing) life. I have shared none of this with anybody. I have kept it bottled up inside.  Nobody knows my secret, nobody knows my pain, and nobody knows how much I hurt. I wear a smile. I laugh. I play the part of a wife, and a mother. I pretend to be happy. Especially when we gather with extended family. Always thinking that I'm the best actress in the world. Or so I thought!!!!!

Two Sundays ago my family and I are in church. Again, I'm there with my fake smile and my pretend enthusiasm. The service starts, and it's like the whole thing was written for me. Everything, and I do mean everything. Every thought, every fear, every mistake I've dwelt on over the years was brought to the surface that day. I had no choice, but to face all my stuff. My first instinct was to get heck out of church. I was sitting the middle of  the aisle, and couldn't get out. (And let me tell you. I played every scenario out in my head to get out to get out of that building.) I looked to my left and thought about crawling over my boys, and husband. But... there was a family on the other side of my them.  My right side was impossible. A row of several men. I soon realized...... I WAS STUCK.
There was no way out.  I was not  getting out. I made one more hopeful gaze from side to side, and then just accepted the fact that for the first time. I was gonna have to DEAL with ......MYSELF. Here's the biggest problem with me. I can forgive most things that happen to me, and all people who hurt me. The only person I never forgive is ME.

I sat in that service and listened to every single word, and when I couldn't take it anymore. I began to cry. I sat there in my seat, and listened to the rest of the service with eyes streaming tears. As soon as service ended and there was a clear path. I RAN TO THE RESTROOM (STILL CRYING). I was inside the bathroom stall for a really long time. I just couldn't get control of myself. Tears were just coming and coming. And I didn't want my hubbie, boys, or anyone to still see me that way. I was feeling like a such a jerk. How could I let myself get so emotional?? I mean I was in church. There was no way that service was really meant just for me. I bet  at least half the room felt like I did. This thinking allowed me to pull myself back together, and at least stop crying.

Now here's where I can't deny I was being spoken to....

I'm washing my hands. I feel someone watching me. I look up into the mirror, and see this woman in crutches. She's smiling.  I smile back. I watch her as she starts moving towards me. Thinking she wants the sink I begin to move out of the way. She reaches out and grabs my shoulder. (now if you knew me... you'd know.  i am a person that does not like anyone inside her bubble.) This woman says that all during church she was focused on me.  I start to apologize. She stops me and says, " No, it's not like that. I felt, feel lead to pray for you." I turn around and tell her ," No that's ok. ", and look around the restroom to see who's all in there. Last thing I want is people thinking I need prayers. As I start to make my exit. The lady scoots in front of me. It's at this moment I realize. She is not using these crutches for a broken leg. This woman has a handicap, and it was obvious that she was in pain. She starts again. "I really feel that the Lord is speaking to me, and that I am supposed to pray for you. I felt this way the whole service. I tried to catch you as you ran out, but you were out of there so fast. I thought I had lost my chance. I told the Lord that I was sorry, and that if I ever saw you again, I would stop you and pray for you." I must not looked convinced because she continued, " Look, I know this may be hard for you to believe, but how else would I have caught up to you?? It's probably taken me 5 minutes to get in here, and why are you still here?? Especially, when you were in such a hurry to leave." 

I ask you.... How do you say no to that???

 I nod my head ok, and she begins to pray for me. I wish I could remember word for word what she said. I don't, but what I do remember is that she prayed for me to have peace. Peace with my life. I'm wondering, " How did she know??" She asked that I'd  have an open heart, and accept whatever changes were about to occur. Now I'm thinking, "What changes?? MY LIFE NEVER CHANGES!!!"   When her prayer was finished I thanked her, and went outside to meet my family. Feeling  a bit better. BUT...Still wondering......Was that really ment for me??

As we turn down the street to our house. I see three chairs in the trash. There's nothing special about these chairs. A matter of fact they need a lot of work. But, I can't stop looking at them. I rationalize in my mind that my obsession with these chairs is due to the fact that I have been looking at pintrest a lot lately.( To be honest I'm kinda addicted to the site.) So, I figure that's why these chairs have really gotten my attention. I mean they're in the trash. Why would I take from someones trash?? I go about the rest of my day. Never really forgetting about the chairs. The day ends,and we all go to bed. I wake up in the middle of the night and for some reason open my Bible. I can't believe what I am reading. More proof that God is talking to me.  Here's a copy of what I read.  Still I go back to sleep wondering. Is this real???









While sleeping I have a dream. I would never do the dream justice, but basically its about those chairs. I'm supposed to work on those chairs, and as I work on them. I will get an idea of how God is working on me. He's gonna scrape away all the crude, and clean me up. The same way I'm gonna make those chairs new again. He's gonna remake me. Needless to say...... At 6 o'clock in the morning. While everybody was sleeping. I went and picked up those chairs.( All by myself. )It may seem, but I really feel like I'm supposed to refinish them.


                                                Here's  a
                                                 picture of
                                                one of the
                                                 chairs!!!!




        

                                              .










Shortly after all this. My husband and I were moving some boxes. Some very old pictures fell out and spread across the floor. This really put me into a funk. I mean.  Dang, I know who I was, and I know who I am now. How in the world is God gonna fix me? I don't even look like the same person. I have actually had people become very shocked when they see a picture of me then and now. The strangest thing is I've been comforted with the fact that person I was didn't truly know Christ.
But the person now. Is going to be in his molding. And yes there's age, and time. And I will never look like that person again, but now I can be better. Because now I have A LOVE FOR HIM, and a desire for him.


 Now that you've gotten most of my story.



What do you think????  






Trash or treasure???